Jar Jar Binks Murdered in Spectacular Fashion

Back on International Tabletop Day,  I finally got the show out on the road and took the whole Jar Jar Binks Must Die game over to a local FLGS, Meeple Madness.  While the store was packed, most of the attendees were in two concurrent tournaments, but a few players were scrounged.  Here's a quickie on how things went.

Welcome to Possiltum, where Jar Jar waits upon Molehill Doom, plotting interdimensional domination.  With a goal of saving the cosmos from overbearing merchandising, The Scooby Gang, The Ghostbusters, Rico's Roughnecks, and Chuck Norris' Badass Super Team are all racing to defeat this menace.

The Super Badass Team has encountered Bradbury's Pandemonium Circus.  Machete falls to Calamity Jane's sharpshooting while William 'D-Fens' Foster and Dr. Sheldon Cooper eliminate Krusty the Clown and the Strong Man.  In the nick of time, Chuck deploys a Docbot which revives Machete.



In an effort to ensure only they get to fire on Jar Jar, Rico's Roughnecks fire on the Ghostbusters; Spengler and Slimer go down.






The Scooby Gang, assisted by Bigfoot have had the misfortune of encountering a "Gungam Lives Matter" protest.  Velma and Scooby fall to stray, "celebratory" gunfire.

Karma falls upon the Roughnecks, and a cascade of Booma balls rolls through their formation as the crew of the Enterprise laughs.

The Badass Super Team races into Jar Jar's lair, but, "it's a trap!".  Machete, Sheldon and Rick Grimes all suffocate beneath one million, seven hundred seventy-one thousand, five hundred and sixty-one Tribbles.

Doggedly pursuing their foe across the village, Fred and Velma finally vanquish Jar Jar.







Was it wierd?  Yeah.  Was it fun?  Yeah!

The most disturbing (to me) miniature I've ever painted

This may not be suitable to hardcore fans of Berk Brethed's Bloom County.

People who know me to some degree will describe my sense of humor as, "different".  My favorite comedians are Tim Conway, Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams.  My favorite comic strips are Pearls Before Swine, The Far Side and Bloom County, especially those strips deemed, "offensive".  This sense of humor and a love of gaming and especially painting miniatures led to this version of Reaper Miniature's "Bonzo" as a tribute to Bob Kane, Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger.

This little darling was enough to convince my friend Chuck to commission me to paint some miniatures for his upcoming Morrow Project game, starting with a band of post-apocalyptic clowns, presumably because at least a part of his sense of humor is to some degree as horrible as mine.  Sorry Chuck, due to babysitting a sick five year old grandson, by my standard I'm badly behind schedule right now but I'm getting a lot of traction right now.  Anyway, I saw this charming gentleman and was immediately inspired to ruin a lot of people's childhood memories.

Yes, I know two spots of mud got in the wrong places and need to be touched up.

 

 

Chuck expressed that he's pleased with this one, and some other friends implied that once again my sanity may be in question, so I'm confident I'm on the right track and I proceeded to paint the rest of this happy family.  The next one to catch my eye was a lovely lady celebrating Mardi Gras, but I lost traction am not posting WIP with which I'm displeased.  This next fellow is the biggest and most well armed of the troupe and his chosen headgear provides a very nice dichotomy so I dug in.  The hat for some reason reminded me of Liza Minnelli, both as Sally Bowles in Cabaret and singing at the Freddie Mercury Tribute, which inexplicably influenced the color scheme.

Getting attacked by a pink and purple clown is pretty messed up, but just doesn't have enough, "Wrongness" for me.

I went to bed last night rather dissatisfied with my progress - I was just too tired by six hours of navigating traffic in order to renew both my license plate and driver's license.  Then, something wonderful happened.  The very instant I awoke this morning, the shining light of inspiration illuminated my mind in the most (for me - probably not for you) happy way in the form of a vision / memory of this seminal moment from Bloom County:

That's when I knew what I had to do.

Further, while the full amount of hair on this figure can't be entirely seen from the above photo, let me assure you that the figure features a full-on tribute to 90s hair, and this butter (of all things) commercial arose from the bowels of my memories:

Now I have told my story so that you can fully appreciate why I consider this the most horrifically disturbing miniature I've ever painted.

For so it is written, at the end of days, one revered for beauty shall come forth cloaked in symbols of the darkest evil.

I painted the damn thing, but it scares the hell out of me.

New France Episode 1: The Hunt

Prelude

Predawn, Fort Frontenac, 8 September 1638

Captain d'Iberville has sent Cadet Olivia Pierre and Pte Adele Miroir to hunt the camp's afternoon meal.  Orders are to return with either an elk or enough turkeys and rabbits to present Her Majesty, Queen Anne and the Cardinal Richelieu with a proper welcoming feast.

Meanwhile, at the ford across the Hudson, one of the Witches of Salem has a different type of welcome for the visiting dignitaries.

Olivia and Adele first try a clearing known to be visited by elk and deer, and they are rewarded for their good idea.

In Sight reactions are rolled; Olivia and Adele both fire their muskets before the elk can react - both successfully strike it in the chest, immediately eliminating it's heartbeat.

Realizing that the fort has sent out hunting parties, the witch whips her conjured goblins into a frenzied charge at the fort's front gate, then she casts a spell of blindness (Dazzle) on the two gate guards.  The goblins race forward unopposed.

Back in the clearing, Adele cheerfully exclaimed, "Most excellent, Cadet Olivia, our prey will not require tracking", and both hunters reload their muskets before moving in and beginning to dress the kill.

"Yes, this is very good fortune", agreed Olivia, "let's be quick about this before something comes to investigate the shots".

Olivia had no idea how portentous her words were as nearly immediately two wolves began charging across the clearing, intent on taking the elk for their own breakfast.

Their muskets stacked beside the tree, Olivia desperately drew her pistol and fired her one shot into the gaping maw of the charging carnivore, while Adele stood by, too stunned to react.  Fortune was indeed smiling upon the young cadet as the musket ball flew between the massive fangs and embedded itself inside the wolf's brain, and it fell Obviously Dead.

"W-was that your shot or mine?" were the only words Olivia could form in her trembling mouth.

"I never had a chance to shoot, you saved both of us", was Adele's gasping reply.

Both heaved a sigh of relief as the second wolf silently retreated back into the woods across the clearing, but that relief was short lived when the women heard the cracks of muskets and war cries coming from the direction of the fort.
 
Hearing rather than seeing the oncoming horde, Sergent Jaques Martinez ran through the construction site inside the palisade ordering soldiers to prepare for immediate battle, but too late to rescue the guardsmen.  Blinded by the witch's malign spell, the goblins head toward their target inside the Captain's quarters.  Only Sergent Jaques' quick action to strike down the leading goblins in melee prevents the garrison from giving up the day.

Hearing the gunfire and shouts of battle back at the fort, the realization quickly came to Olivia that serious danger was afoot, "Drag the meat between us, we must leave now while there's still a fort to defend!", and the two hunters began their return to the fort at their fastest possible speed.

Emerging from the wood-line, Olivia and Adele were greeted by the sight of a goblin horde pressing an attack against the fort's garrison, but then an even more frightening sight:  a Salem Witch striding toward the melee with a gloating expression on her face.  Suddenly, the witch stopped, turned and locked eyes with Olivia.  Both knew that their survival depended on immediate action; in a moment there would only be the quick and the dead.

As Olivia raised her musket to shoot, the witch raised her wand so that she could Blink away to a hidden position from where she could strike unopposed.  Olivia desperately thumbed back the flint on her musket, but the witch's arm was over her head.  Suddenly, there was a flash of smoke and a hiss, but from Olivia's left and the witch froze as Adele's musket misfired, but the distraction was all the young cadet needed and Olivia fired.  The ball flew true and struck the witch just beneath the brim of her hat, causing her head to explode in a fountain of ichor.

Inside the fort, Sergent Martinez bought enough time and space that the garrison defenders were able to form a firing line, which shot as soon as Jaques was clear of their field of fire.Three goblins fell wounded from the volley, and the goblins, always unreliable, scrambled out the gate.

With the smoke cleared and the goblins retreated back across the river, Captain D'Iberville had the fort secured while His Eminence gave Last Rites to the two fallen gunners, nobody else had even a scratch.  Olivia and Adele retrieved the Elk and began butchering it near the fort's open roasting pit when they heard a feminine voice new to them.

"Captaine, Sergent?"  Neither girl paused from their work.  The same voice, louder and sterner, "Ladies, if you please?"

The young soldiers turned in surprise from their bloody task to discover Her Royal Majesty, Queen Anne, His Holiness, Cardinal Richelieu, and Pierre D'Iberville, now wearing the sash of a Colonel.

Her Majesty offered a sash toward Olivia, "We would be honored if you would accept the sash of your commander for your commission, mon Capitaine.  We have an urgent mission for someone of your skill and initiative."

Olivia was stunned and could only stare wide-eyed at the well-worn Captain's sash held inches from her chest.  Adele gave Olivia's arm a nudge, forcing the new officer's hand to accept the badge of rank.

"Once again, quick and excellent thinking Serjeant", the Cardinal congratulated Adele as he began to pin the badge of rank upon Olivia's collar.  Now it was her turn to be shocked into silence at the same time Olivia bowed so that the Queen could drape the sash over her head.

Episode 2

The Circus is Coming!

Hi friends,
Like you, I have a loved one with an irrational fear of clowns, and I share your frustration over the lack of opportunities to use this for our amusement.  That's why I've created,

 A fun-filled extravaganza big-top of your very own, to populate with your favorite axe-wielding serial killers, diabolical vivisectionists, sadistic psychopaths and alcohol-dependent woodland creatures kidnapped from their homes and enslaved for public entertainment, watching... waiting... for their moment to STRIKE!!!

When fully assembled, the circus big-top consists of the roof and support frame as separate pieces, so that your victims players can venture indoors... IF THEY DARE.

Seriously folks, this is my first attempt at designing a cardstock model and it came out great on the third try, so with an 0-2 count I got a hit!  If I can put together some reasonable directions, and have sufficient positive feedback, I may make this available to the public somehow.

The Longest Running Project I've Ever Had

Actually, I think it was around 1998.  (Checks Google) Nope, had to be about January 2000.  Episode I came out in May of 1999, and while shopping an after Christmas sale at my local Target, I saw this on clearance for seven dollars:

Most importantly, it came with this one plastic figure.  About 35-40mm tall, close enough to my Warzone 28mm for a horrible groaner of a joke:

I bought it and later that afternoon presented it to my then seven year old daughter, who expressed little interest, but was polite enough to try to play the game with me.  Moments into actual game play, with all the brutal honesty children of that age are loved for, she said to me, "Daddy, this game is stupid.  Jar Jar Binks is stupid and I don't like him.  Can I have some chocolate milk?"

These words filled me with joy and inspiration, and I immediately said, "you're right, this game is just junk, let's make some chocolate milk", and I made glasses for each of us that we drank while ceremoniously throwing the game into the trash can outside.  Everything except that orange plastic symbol of everything wrong with George Lucas' decision to prioritize merchandise sales above making a great movie.  That went to the Mountain of Lead in preparation for what was to come.

Fast forward to Dragon Con 2000, the last one I attended.  Chris (Valpurgius) Seebacher and I were hosting our third Warzone demo and tournament; the 'gang' had grown to the point where we had ten tables in continuous use, only two were for demos. That JarJar figure had been painted and made cameo appearances in nearly every photo of tournaments and demos as everybody passed it to each other.  After the third and last round of the tournament, we presented swag as prizes at our "#1" table, which had been cleared of most of the terrain while Jar Jar stood alone in the center of the battlefield.  After the prizes were awarded we asked the group, "now, anybody who wants to can grab one squad and one individual to try and kill Jar Jar Binks".

I had figured this would get a few laughs and smart comments and that maybe two or three people would want to get in a quick pickup game.  The reaction was intense as some people actually ran to retrieve their miniatures before the table filled completely.  We ended up with 11 or 12 players crowding each other as they placed their units on the edge of a 4'X4' battlefield, and the smack talk was loud and proud.  Initiatives were rolled and the order of play sorted out; when I announced that JarJar would be taking his actions fourth in the order, the table went silent as every pair of eyes locked on me with the realization that killing JarJar was not going to be all that easy.

Units surged forward under command of the first three players and then I leaned in, rolled a d12 and scatter dice and read the results from my chart.  "Jar Jar runs from the advancing troops into a unit of battle droids, becomes tangled with one and it's blaster begins firing randomly", and measured Jar Jar's random movement, rolled the scatter dice again and placed a blast template which caught two figures and told the controlling player to make an armor save.  Evil grins developed on every player and the rest of the turn involved movement that was much more tactical than the first players, and then it was Chris Seebacher's turn.

I have to take an aside here to properly describe Chris Seebacher.  The guy is frighteningly intelligent, has a photographic memory and is a brilliant tactician, whether you're programming a computer, role-playing or fighting a battle, but the really scary part about Chris is his positively evil sense of humor.  I served five years in a Long Range Surveillance Company with Chris and wasn't the first person to call him by his well-earned nickname, "Blue Falcon".

Seebacher examined the tactical situation for only an instant before announcing, "I'm firing at Aimee's squad", and rolling to hit his neighbor's unit.

Shouts of, "oh, it's ON!" erupted from the group and for several game terms, everybody prioritized eliminating their competition over the actual game objective.  Eventually, the players, with only a tiny bit of assistance from JarJar, killed each other until there were only two players left, with only a few miniatures each, but every single player stayed, commented and cheered as if they were watching the Superbowl.  I don't remember who won, because I believe to this day that everybody walked away from the table, "winning", and the entire group went for pizzas in a cloud of nonstop laughter.

Here's some previews of my "new and improved" game of killing Jar Jar Binks.

Prelude

Fort Frontenaut, 7 September 1638

“We are most honored that you grace us with your presence, Your Majesty and Your Holiness”.

Queen Anne and Cardinal Richelieu both smiled in the predawn twilight and the cardinal replied, “As we are grateful for your hospitality Captain d’Iberville.  We do plan on staying in Ville-Marie for an extended period; Her Majesty is still distraught over King Louis’ untimely demise and we pray that the autumn colors here sooth her wearied soul”.

 

“I pray this is the case, Your Holiness.  For now, I offer you what hospitality I may in this rugged place.  I’ve sent our best hunters in search of our afternoon repast; God willing, they shall return with some turkeys or an elk, which while subtly different from the fowl and venison of our homeland are quite tasty.”

 

The queen inclined her head and replied, “That sounds most wonderful, Governor.  For now, I need rest; we were unable to sleep during the journey here last night, and ask that I take my leave with my handmaid, Kaliyah.”

The Captain and Cardinal bowed slightly and then silently watched as the exotic Kobold led the queen to the captain’s quarters, temporarily surrendered to Her Highness during this impromptu visit.  Only after the handmaid had closed the door did Richelieu turn to the officer and speak.

“You know of course, that the queen’s allegiance to her brother may very well betray us.  Spain is also feeling the pressure as followers of the pagans exert their control over the continent.”

Raising an eyebrow, the d’Iberville leaned toward the cleric, “So the rumors are true?  The Norse have risen now that Gustav Adolph is dead?”

“Verily, the rumors are true”, replied the Cardinal.  “Even as the Celts reassert Britain over England and Brittany, the Baltic is aflame as the Swedes, Dutch and Finns reject Christ, falling to Satan’s false promises in the guise of a return of the Norse gods, and while many have fled to New Amsterdam, the Dutch have a taste for bloody vengeance against Spain for their years of oppression.”

“Perhaps then the Spanish will ally through ties of blood and common enemies?”

“If only it were so simple.  While the Spanish will ally with us for the immediate future, their holdings in Cuba and New Spain are neither large enough, laden with sufficient resources nor secure from the Dutch pagans for a promising future.  They covet westward expansion across the new world so that they might build strong defenses against Cromwell’s witches, and will likely attempt to absorb the French people here in America.”

“On my honor as an officer of the French crown, Your Holiness,  that shall not come to pass”, replied the captain.

Richelieu raised an eyebrow and cocked his head before speaking, “God shall be with us”.  

Meanwhile, at a ford across the Hudson river...

Episode 1