The Fishing Trip

While fishing at a secluded pond during sunset, I began to hear soft, droning, wooden flutes in the nearby woods. Dismissing it as my overactive imagination playing while my mind wandered, I continued to cast and tease my lure, but the slow, somber sounds grew. Not in volume or intensity, but in the number of musical voices contributing to the insistent, quiet chord, the likes of which I’d never before heard or imagined. I reeled in my bait, hastily packed my gear and unsteadily made my way up the trail I’d walked many times, yet this trek was saturated with a continuously growing feeling of reverence and fear. The sunlight had faded and the new moon offered no illumination, yet my eyes perceived an unearthly glow ahead of me, growing at a nearly imperceptibly slow rate. Trembling, my legs strode a few more steps up the gentle slope before I became paralyzed by the majesty of one tree. I’d never before paid any attention to the ordinary looking trees along this trail, but tonight, one shone with a regal brilliance in the center of hundreds of tiny, softly glowing entities weaving through the still air when I realized that the countless flutes were indeed also these miniscule, inexplicable spirits, swirling about the luminescent pine. Smothering in simultaneous awe and dread, a compulsion from somewhere within me enabled me to capture this solitary image before terror propelled me to my car, leaving behind the fishing tackle. I frantically dove into the driver’s seat; mercifully the car started and I somehow fled home without crashing from the panic in which I’d become engulfed.

Alien Abduction Mothership

So I was in a funny mood yesterday morning, fired up Powerpoint, and drew this.  Last night after work, I printed, cut and glued it.  This is the result of the second attempt, and the artwork is a little cartoony, so I'm calling it a prototype.  Saucer crew is Flying Frog Martians.  Abductees are Bobby Jackson's Thugz, and Reaper's Bonzo because... Evil Clown.

Life's too short to not play an alien abduction game, and especially to proxy the alien saucer.

THW Name the Alien Contest

She's Got It... Venus

Not all that long ago, Evil Eli and I were talking about how to get people to buy into a game so we'd have more opponents and / or allies.  During this conversation, he looks at me and says, "the most important thing to get people to come to your table is awesome terrain".

Rewind to 1997.  I'm hanging out at my parent's house with my Daughter 2.0®, when my good friend Valpurgius calls me.  Actually, at that time he wasn't Valpurgius yet, that's coming up.

Anyway, he says to me, "you should come over to [the new comic & games shop just three miles from my parent's house, now long out of business], my friend Steve is running game demos".

"What's a game demo?", I asked ignorantly, which turns out to be blissfully.

"If you play a game he'll give you some miniatures, come over here".

"I'm with Daughter 2.0® right now".

"Bring her along, they have comics and toys".

"Okay, fine".  <click>.  Yes, back then we were still on landlines, and the phones went <click> when you hung them up.  True story.

So we drive five minutes (yes, there was a time back in history when you could drive somewhere in Atlanta in five minutes) over to the game store, and are underwhelmed by the sight before us.  A couple racks of comics, a small display with blister packs of miniatures I'd never seen, that said, "WARHAMMER" on them, whatever that was, and to one side a table with a few model railroad trees, chunks of that white styrofoam they use to make coolers (it probably was once a cooler) poorly painted to presumably represent rocks, and a handful of unpainted, funny looking miniature guys with guns.  Standing nearby was Not Yet Valpurgius, a very bored, stereotypical comic book shop clerk, and a grumpy looking, paunchy, balding man who was then enthusiastically introduced to me as Steve.  That is to say, NYV was enthusiastic, Steve grunted while the expression on his face indicated painful chronic constipation.

"So where's the game?", I asked, still blissfully ignorant of wargames.

"THIS is the game, it's called WARZONE, and Steve's going to give you a demo", NYV explained with the same look he's had on his face every time he's had a hidden agenda since the first time Dixie, his charming smartass of a mother, caught him sneaking cookies when he was five.

"Okay...", I said while dubiously eyeing the table full of model railroad refuse.

Steve suddenly gained some minor command of language, and asked NYV, "this is the guy who's going to run demos?", inexplicably seeming to indicate me.

That's when I realized the look on NYV's face was because his hand was in MY cookie jar.

Giving my, "good friend" a, "we're going to talk later" look, I asked Steve, "so how do we play this game?"

"you're those guys there in the corner, and you have to kill this big robot before he kills you".

"It's just like D&D, but different", was the brilliant insight offered by NYV, agent provocateur.

Daughter 2.0® was still holding my hand and announced, "I have to go potty", in the grand tradition of every six year old girl ever.  NYV siezed this opportunity to gain as much geography as possible between him and me by generously leading his Goddaughter to the back of the store, which also left me standing at this table of stuff with Svengali Steve, who says, "first we roll for initiative"...

 A few months later, I had run a significant number of demos at several area stores, having collected and painted miniatures representing Capitol Corporation and the Demnogonis and Muwajie factions of the Dark Legion, and was hanging out at The War Room, the greatest gaming store in the history of both games and stores, when Valpurgius (yes, by now he's Valpurgius and I'm Martian Banshee) announces, "we're invited to run demos and a tournament at Dragon Con".

"Tournament?  Isn't Dragon Con comic books?"  Yes, I was that ignorant.

Okay... cutting to the point now.  Inspired and tutored by Dave the Firstborn Canuck and Evil Inside Dave, the local Chronopia demo team, the best demo team I've ever heard of, we knew we had to raise the bar on terrain.  Yesterday, seventeen years later, I hosted an episode of, "This Old Terrain", in which I ressurected the remains of the Venusian jungle battlefield I had made for that convention, and which turned out to be my introduction into letting my creativity loose.  After over ten years of being stored in plastic grocery bags and moved more times than I care to recall, I brought it back nearly to it's original condition.

 

The pieces, mostly broken, having been sorted.

First to be mended were the banyan trees, mostly because they have the most readily identifiable components.

Next was the Crunchberry Tree forest, because this collection of hacked up artificial flowers is the most memorable, though not my favorite, feature of the terrain set.

The Magnolia seed pods are the only remnants of my Martian Desert terrain, and will now take the place of the long-lost Venusian Blue Spruce trees.  I like these because not only did I acquire them by picking them up for free from under a magnolia tree, the "pod" appearance at this scale inspires me to use them as a "natural hazard, malicious flora" adding an seldom used feature to my games.

Last up are the Oak Leaf palm trees, which also used to see a lot of duty when I was gaming Vietnam.

The set stretched out on a 3ft X 6ft table ready for Bugs to explore the Pleistocene era of Sol III.

Independence Day Game - Muskets & Mowhawks - Bunker Hill

A few years ago, I won a trivia contest put on by The Mighty Ed at Two Hour Wargames and the prize was a copy of Long Rifle, a French & Indian (Seven Years) War "immersion game", which is a game somewhere between, "very small and detailed skirmish" and "RPG lite".  Not long ago, Ed was kind enough to provide me a copy of the full Muskets & Mohawks wargame which is the companion to Long Rifle.  These are the foundation rules for my New France (alternative history Louisiana Territory ca. 1640) campaign which I've neglected horribly for almost six months mostly due to the demands of my former job; I now have a job I love working from early morning to mid afternoon - the painting table is getting geared up to stock the New France campaign. In the meanwhile, I picked up some Imex 1/72 AWI and painted them over two weekends, finishing in the late morning of July 4th, precisely on my deadline to fight an AWI battle using M&M somewhat "dumbed down" into fewer dice per roll.  Okay, so I didn't get the bases flocked.  No dessert for me.

Colonial militiamen wait inside the fortification on Breed's Hill as the British advance through the Charlestown waterfront.  Historical accuracy was thrown out the window (as usual) so that I could use this terrain tile I had just made by peeling the paper off one side of foam core poster board and etching the paving into the foam with a disposable ball point pen.  The buildings are actually printed on the back of the Imex packaging and the trees & rocks are out of a "bucket of dinosaurs" I found at Walmart for five dollars.

Aggressive woodsmen, possibly wishing to establish Roger's Rangers, charge forward attempting to ambush and destroy the British Huron allies.  Once again, not historically accurate, but I wanted to practice the melee rules.

The Huron reaction was to fire into the charging woodsmen with lethal effect, and then the natives eliminated the woodsmen in melee.  This is still turn 1 as the THW reaction system moves things along at a quick pace.

On the left, each side exchanged volleys

The result of the volleys was two stands of militia Out of the Fight (OOF) while the British ducked for the light cover near the village.

Turn 2:  The British center and Huron right flank advance within musket range.  Unlike 1775, the colonial muskets fire without inflicting a single casualty.  The British return fire, but the fortifications provide perfect protection to the militia.

Meanwhile, the left flank charges into musket fire, but unlike the historical battle, make it all the way to the fortifications on the first charge.  The colonials eliminate one stand of British in melee; both sides stand their ground.

Once again, the militia's musket fire has no effect as the British center and right gain the fortifications, charging into hand-to-hand combat.

The dice once again fail the colonists as they lose every combat, falling before the British onslaught.

The colonial right flank managed to beat back the British left, but the majority of the defenders fall quickly and horribly to the combined center / right attack.

The last few defenders split their formation in a desperate attempt at survival,

 

 

But the ferocious British onslaught sweeps through the small rebel contingent.

 

This was a very quick, and due to lopsided dice rolling, brutal victory for the British, unlike the historical Pyrrhic victory.  I suppose follow-hp games could be alternate history.

Jar Jar Binks Murdered in Spectacular Fashion

Back on International Tabletop Day,  I finally got the show out on the road and took the whole Jar Jar Binks Must Die game over to a local FLGS, Meeple Madness.  While the store was packed, most of the attendees were in two concurrent tournaments, but a few players were scrounged.  Here's a quickie on how things went.

Welcome to Possiltum, where Jar Jar waits upon Molehill Doom, plotting interdimensional domination.  With a goal of saving the cosmos from overbearing merchandising, The Scooby Gang, The Ghostbusters, Rico's Roughnecks, and Chuck Norris' Badass Super Team are all racing to defeat this menace.

The Super Badass Team has encountered Bradbury's Pandemonium Circus.  Machete falls to Calamity Jane's sharpshooting while William 'D-Fens' Foster and Dr. Sheldon Cooper eliminate Krusty the Clown and the Strong Man.  In the nick of time, Chuck deploys a Docbot which revives Machete.



In an effort to ensure only they get to fire on Jar Jar, Rico's Roughnecks fire on the Ghostbusters; Spengler and Slimer go down.






The Scooby Gang, assisted by Bigfoot have had the misfortune of encountering a "Gungam Lives Matter" protest.  Velma and Scooby fall to stray, "celebratory" gunfire.

Karma falls upon the Roughnecks, and a cascade of Booma balls rolls through their formation as the crew of the Enterprise laughs.

The Badass Super Team races into Jar Jar's lair, but, "it's a trap!".  Machete, Sheldon and Rick Grimes all suffocate beneath one million, seven hundred seventy-one thousand, five hundred and sixty-one Tribbles.

Doggedly pursuing their foe across the village, Fred and Velma finally vanquish Jar Jar.







Was it wierd?  Yeah.  Was it fun?  Yeah!

The most disturbing (to me) miniature I've ever painted

This may not be suitable to hardcore fans of Berk Brethed's Bloom County.

People who know me to some degree will describe my sense of humor as, "different".  My favorite comedians are Tim Conway, Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams.  My favorite comic strips are Pearls Before Swine, The Far Side and Bloom County, especially those strips deemed, "offensive".  This sense of humor and a love of gaming and especially painting miniatures led to this version of Reaper Miniature's "Bonzo" as a tribute to Bob Kane, Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger.

This little darling was enough to convince my friend Chuck to commission me to paint some miniatures for his upcoming Morrow Project game, starting with a band of post-apocalyptic clowns, presumably because at least a part of his sense of humor is to some degree as horrible as mine.  Sorry Chuck, due to babysitting a sick five year old grandson, by my standard I'm badly behind schedule right now but I'm getting a lot of traction right now.  Anyway, I saw this charming gentleman and was immediately inspired to ruin a lot of people's childhood memories.

Yes, I know two spots of mud got in the wrong places and need to be touched up.

 

 

Chuck expressed that he's pleased with this one, and some other friends implied that once again my sanity may be in question, so I'm confident I'm on the right track and I proceeded to paint the rest of this happy family.  The next one to catch my eye was a lovely lady celebrating Mardi Gras, but I lost traction am not posting WIP with which I'm displeased.  This next fellow is the biggest and most well armed of the troupe and his chosen headgear provides a very nice dichotomy so I dug in.  The hat for some reason reminded me of Liza Minnelli, both as Sally Bowles in Cabaret and singing at the Freddie Mercury Tribute, which inexplicably influenced the color scheme.

Getting attacked by a pink and purple clown is pretty messed up, but just doesn't have enough, "Wrongness" for me.

I went to bed last night rather dissatisfied with my progress - I was just too tired by six hours of navigating traffic in order to renew both my license plate and driver's license.  Then, something wonderful happened.  The very instant I awoke this morning, the shining light of inspiration illuminated my mind in the most (for me - probably not for you) happy way in the form of a vision / memory of this seminal moment from Bloom County:

That's when I knew what I had to do.

Further, while the full amount of hair on this figure can't be entirely seen from the above photo, let me assure you that the figure features a full-on tribute to 90s hair, and this butter (of all things) commercial arose from the bowels of my memories:

Now I have told my story so that you can fully appreciate why I consider this the most horrifically disturbing miniature I've ever painted.

For so it is written, at the end of days, one revered for beauty shall come forth cloaked in symbols of the darkest evil.

I painted the damn thing, but it scares the hell out of me.