Thursday, March 23, 2017

Into the Dungeon...

In 1992, I picked up a copy of HeroQuest at Service Merchandise while shopping for my soon-to-be daughter's crib, and found this to be excellent bait for Valpurgius, Viper and a few others to come by my house while I waited on Milady Awaiting labor.  Shortly after Daughter v2.0® was born, I spotted the expansions at Toys-R-Us, and snagged one.  If I knew then what we all know now, I would've bought every box on the shelf, but that's a different story.  

Back in 2013, I backed Dwarven Forge's first Kickstarter and bought the original Dwarvenite Dungeon set X3, unpainted.  Last November, I painted it.  Also in 2013, I bought Warrior Heroes: Legends.

This week, I'm putting together units for some skirmish warfare, and to demonstrate that rules written for use with any miniatures are typically both easier to play and have more equitable outcomes (primarily due to a complete lack of Codex Creep), I dug out my old Fimir from that game and expansion.  Last night, I saw a post from the Two Hour Wargames forum from a youngster asking how to play an RPG using THW.

This afternoon, for the first time ever, I not only used the dungeon tiles in a game, I also played Warrior Heroes: Legends.  Modified.  Okay, Heavily Modified.  I drew out some tiny tiles and printed each on business cards, each corresponding to a portion of HeroQuest's first quest and shuffled the Gargoyle's room (WHL: Big Bad) into the bottom five cards.  Shockingly, I began to play immediately.

Hey, four years is actually fairly quick for me to get around to doing something.

I present:

Down the stairs they crept, ever deeper into the cool, damp, foreboding darkness.  

They knew Zargon knew they were coming.  

They knew Zargon knew they knew Zargon knew they knew...

Still, incomprehensibly they came...

A traditional start - our heroes at the bottom of the stairs.
Barbarian:  "When do I hit something?"

Wizard: "Good grief, this place could use some Febreeze"

Elf: "That's not the dungeon, it's Barbarian"

Barbarian: "Hey, it's part of my 'own particular idiom'"

Elf: "Whatever.  Dwarf, are you gonna open the door or what?"

Dwarf: "Quitcher Bitchin', Tree Humper" - CLICK

And before them was a dark hallway...

Barbarian:  "When do I hit something?"

Wizard:  "Will you quit with that already?  I told you, you'd get to hit stuff real soon"

Elf:  "Why are we here again?"

Dwarf: "Seriously?  You can't remember that?  You've been hitting the ritual whacky weed again, haven't ya?"

Elf:  "Nah, though that seems like a good idea.  I was trying to give the author a slick way to describe the goal of our quest, rather than simple narration."

Wizard: "Thank you, Elf.  Dwarf, we're here on a Name Quest.  Once we complete a quest, we'll get names instead of these stupid generic titles."

Dwarf:  "Bullshit.  My name's  CENSORED 

Elf:  "Hah!  You dumbass!"

Wizard:  "Shut up, you two and open that door on the left."

As Dwarf stealthily opened the door, Barbarian charged past him, yelling incomprehensibly.  Inside, two Orcs suddenly had their DNA sequencing research interrupted.  Barbarian charged to the closest orc, raised his sword over his head for a mighty killing blow...

... and the orc kicked him in the 'family jewels', bringing Barbarian to his knees, whereon his head smashed against the corner of a lab table, knocking himself unconscious.

Elf remarked, "this is off to a typical start" as he and Dwarf each dashed into the room towards the two startled scientists.  Wizard shrugged and took a tentative step into the room, looked down at Barbarian and quietly backed out into the hallway.

Elf slashed at the second orc; the two locked blades.  Dwarf calmly strode to the first orc, gestured down at the Barbarian and said, "The way you took down that chump was a smooth move."  The instant the orc looked down, Dwarf smashed his target's head with an axe, knocking him to the floor.

Dwarf leapt upon the chest of the fallen orc and spun around.  Covering his foe's face with his cloak, the unleashed a truly horrific "Dutch Oven"; the unfortunate researcher asphyxiated inside the noxious makeshift execution chamber.  The second orc was aghast as such a vile act; Having had more exposure to the stout, beer-swilling Dwarf than he'd ever wanted, Elf wasn't distracted and took advantage of his foe's distraction by stabbing his sword through the humanoid's windpipe.

Considering the stench spreading through the lab, it was most certainly a mercy killing.

Hearing the brawl quiet to only Elf's vomiting, Wizard re-entered the room and announced, "Good work.  Let's see if they have any treasure, and get the meat mountain back up to town."

Elf:  "Wow, thanks a pantload for all that help, chickenshit."

Wizard:  "I was covering your backs!"

Dwarf: "Chickenshit"

One orc had 3 Gold Talos, the other had a food item and a scroll.  Wizard immediately shouted, "Dibs on the scroll!" and snatched it.  

Elf protested, "that's total BS!  You ran away!"

Once again, Wizard insisted, "I was covering your backs" and headed towards the stairs.

Elf and Dwarf exchanged looks, sighed and began dragging Barbarian towards the stairs.

Elf:  "Do you suppose banging his head on all those steps is going to matter?"

Dwarf:  "I've never heard about that being in the rules, so probably not.  Besides, who cares?"


Dragging the unconscious warrior down the dirt path into Weaselton, a voice cried out:

A Voice:  "K'nutsakh!  You made it back!"

Dwarf:  "Keep it down, will ya?"

Elf and Wizard:  "K'nutsakh?"

Dwarf:  "Yeah.  That's my name.  Gotta problem with that?"

Elf turned to A Voice and said, "Say my name!"

A Voice:  "Whaddaya talking about?  You didn't earn a name, dumbass.  And before you even ask, don't", while pointing at Wizard.

Elf:  This totally blows!

Episode 2

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